Farewell My Beloved Dad

My brother R in Sacramento sent this letter to read to Dad:

Dear Dad,                                                                                         March 8, 2013

            You will always be remembered for all the good times we had. Yes! You made some bad mistakes in life, and some of those directly effected my life. I feel that I have made more bad mistakes than you have, but all we can hope is that we learn from our mistakes and strive to improve our self worth. I have to say that You have been responsible for a whole lot more of the good things that I am. When I think of life,I think of You Dad. Your love for nature is truly incredible like how You would not even kill a black widow or an ant. I know that is due to your vast knowledge of how all species coexist and you have that love of life, no matter what species that it may be. Due to that influence, Dad, I will always think of you if I am considering killing another species so more living things will be spared execution, because of you.

            Dad, I will always remember when You arrived in Miami Circa 1970 and stayed with Walt Baldwin and me. and yes, you even had the pleasure of meeting Dr. Jerome Staggers a.k.a. Vanden Taylor Fuller. We had allot of good times and all of us boys loved your witty humor. Remember our chuck steak breakfast,s. and times sitting out on the porch in Miami in January, either in Tee shirts or no shirt at all. Us boys would be drinking and smoking pot and You were the life of the party.

            You left Florida and I was not to far behind you. It was great being able to all work at Viking Homes together. Too bad K & I screwed that up. I really enjoyed your company Dad. You are such a great wealth of knowledge in so many subjects. I always admired and bragged about how my Dad could recite just about any country's area in square miles, population and economic status. Also the way you could beat someone using a cash register mathematically in your head. Dad You are truly an ICON and will always be remembered for your vast knowledge about "life and its vicissitudes". I learned so much living by you for just about 10 years. You and I were real close and then I was hired at Hearst Castle. Dad I learned so many good life skills like cooking techniques and how to deal with people from you. You taught us honesty and integrity and when to B.S. on a bureaucratic document or an employment application.

            Dad I will always regret that I have not spent enough time with You here in your later years. I am so thankful to my brothers and sisters that have taken such good care of you. I love you so much and please understand that I love Northern California and this is where opportunity took me. One of my biggest regrets is that my Grandsons will not have the pleasure of getting to know You. Dad, I will try to give them some of your outlook and perspectives on life. It is my duty and I will sure miss your help. To back track a bit, I will always remember and cherish the camping trips we had together at Sequoia's Dorst Campsite and was it Clark's Fork near Kennedy Meadows, located past Sonora off of Hwy.108? Again Dad your humor coupled with your knowledge was one of the key ingredients as to why I enjoyed my time so much.Dad there are so many, many times that occured in my life with You that I will always love and cherish. You will always live on in me. The boys have even jokingly called me Vern, because I , have allot of your traits and I will remain proud of that ! I know that I was gifted with allot of natural ability, because of you and mom. I am very good in quick math calculations in my head like converting fractions to decimals or percent and I thank my Dad for that ! Like my Dad and Mom, I have tended to help out allot of people that i feel need my help. It has set me back allot of times, but I feel overall I will sow what I reap and thus the Lord looks out for me and will reward me for my good deeds.

            Dad like you I am a super dog lover. I have four chihuahuas (aka. insects ) They are such good company for me. This is the first time I have ever lived alone ( that is without another person in the house ) With my dogs, I do not feel alone at all. Each dog has its own unique special personality and I try to cater to them and give each one the love that I feel they deserve in life. I cook a whole chicken and debone it and chop into small pieces along with mixed vegetables. Yes my dogs are loved and spoiled !

            Dad I will always think of you, when I hear classic music like the blues, country,Bob Wells & the Texas playboys, and countless pieces of old and wonderful music. I feel that I have let you down by not getting an MP3 player set up for you, while you have been confined in that damned convalescent room.Please forgive me for that! i just loved to see you enjoy the beautiful tunes of long ago and I felt that that should have been the least that i could have done for you in your few remaining years here on earth.

            Dad i pray that I will make it down to see you before You check out, or cannot comprehend what I am writing You. Thus I will send this letter to my beloved brother K and my dearest sister L, and last but not least my wonderful daughter A, so that they can read this to you. I pray that you get some enjoyment out of it and that it gives you just a couple of pleasant memories. I will also read it to you as soon as I can and hope that I can bring you some blues to listen to, before you check out.You have my complete blessings to go into the spiritual world. You will live on in us and our offspring. Thanks so much for all of the wisdom, humor, and knowledge that you bestowed upon me. I will never stop loving or forget YOU MY WONDERFUL DAD. REST IN PEACE AND I'LL SEE YOU LATER IN THE SPIRITUAL WORLD.

                                                                                                    Your loving Son, R

                                                                                                      

Back to the Hospital

To my siblings:

Thu, Mar 21, 2013 at 10:00 PM

Thu, 10:00 PM

Message starred

from Linda Dobson to 6 recipients

about Dad and what we can or should do...

Hide DetailsOnes,

I spent quite a bit of time today with Dad. I wanted to try to assess his condition physically and mentally. I had in mind to have a good talk with him by myself so that I could hope to get him to express his current feelings. His physical condition is very poor. The nurse showed me photographs of his pressure ulcers. They are large, nasty looking sores, that come from him not changing position and the skin just disintegrating under pressure. The nurse said if they get infected, he'll probably not be able to heal because of his weakened immune system. Altogether he has 13 sores. This is eerily reminiscent of Mom because she also had 13 sores. 

He was laying in bed curled up in a ball, big DNR wristbands on both sides. His right leg was bent all the way at the knee. I tried to get him to straighten it out, but he just wouldn't tolerate that. 

He never did talk too much except to ask to be kissed. He drank some kefir and blackberry juice. He seemed to be thirsty, and I was happy that he drank as much as he did. He's so weakened that he barely can get fluid to come up the straw all the way to his mouth. He wouldn't sit up so that he could drink from a cup.

He did not eat. I have never been in favor of a feeding tube. When he stopped eating almost two years ago, he said he did not want a feeding tube. He started eating when they gave him welbutrin. When someone wants to live, then there's a chance of enjoying life. It really seems to me now that I don't see that in our dad. I don't really know what to do. I wouldn't want to force-feed him unless there is something about his existence that is improved, that makes life worth living. What are we going to change for him? It's something to ask ourselves if we are going to try everything at our disposal to keep him going.

About 6 o'clock, a nurse came in and said the doctor wanted him to go back to the hospital. His WBC had doubled. I hated to put him through that because he had told me last week that he just wanted comfort care. This is where the health care system breaks down because they will treat him like anybody else without regard for the fact that he's 98 years old. I'd like to see them give him something just to make him feel better. We don't need to worry about getting him hooked on anything. 

I'm really asking myself what's right?

Love to all, Linda

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

" It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see."          Henry David Thoreau

Does he really want to go? Really?

I arrive. He's asleep. I stroke his head, trying to arouse him from slumber. He responds minimally, and I mean minimally. He doesn't look up. I start talking to him and get a little response. How are you feeling? He mutters unintelligibly. I put some apple juice up to his mouth. He sips a tiny amount. I keep doing that, and some of it drips down his chin. I keep talking. He can't even look up at me. Should I talk about his life? Should I ask him what he wants us to do with his remains? It's very hard to guess what I should do. New territory now. We're in new territory.

I feel pretty sure that my brothers will suffer more than I will when he passes.  I suffered when Mom went, and I really suffered. My sister, I can't say if she will suffer. She is somebody I barely know right now. This is so slow and drawn out. It's a shame to see the decline in this fashion. I guess we all would like our father to keep being himself, and then die of natural causes in a peaceful way. It seems that he will die of starvation. He'll experience organ failure more than likely.

But, really, how long can someone exist without hope? I just don't see that he's got any hope at all for anything to change. What could have been? That's always what we wonder. I could have taken him to Tijuana to get his dentures fixed a little. He can't even chew lentils now. He spits out the skins. How can you enjoy eating lentil soup when you have to chew forever on each little bite, and then spit out the skin? Maybe I could have pushed harder for better rehab therapy. When he came here he was recovering from a broken hip. He just got weaker and weaker. They scheduled an hour on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. That was no good at all. He needed 15 minutes twice a day. It seemed like he lost capability so fast.

How do you get stronger at age 98? He should be able to walk, but doesn't have enough muscle left. He still looks pretty good, if cadaverous at 115 pounds. His hair and skin are healthy. But that doesn't get you out of a wheelchair. That doesn't get you to where you can go anywhere and enjoy yourself.

I need to try to comfort my brothers. It's very hard for them to lose their dad. Why do I feel somewhat detached? Over-exposure? Have I come here too many times, leaving my husband and my home and any hope of doing anything productive, just to have him refuse to drink anything, and even be temperamental with me? When I say temperamental, it's not really descriptive of how he acts. He can be mean and rude.  Well, he did love us and was the best dad he knew how to be given his upbringing.

Sorry to inform you -- Dad's last week

My brother K wrote this email to all the family:

My brilliant Dad

    My sweet loving, compassionate, understanding, brilliant father with the most wonderful personality combined with unmatched humor, who instilled values in me that has affected countless lives, and who brought comfort to many souls is now on his death bed.

    We have had our last laugh together last month. We have had our last conversation, shared out last Reese's peanut butter cup, had our last share, our last disagreement. 

    My Dad will never tell me again how happy he is to see me. His eyes will never light up again when I enter the room. He will never give me fatherly advise again. He will never comfort me when I am down on myself. He will never recite a poem to me again or share quotes. We will never talk about history, adventures, religion or politics again.

    A big giant piece of my life is leaving me. I have talked about my wonderful Dad all of my life. Everybody who knows me knows my close relationship with my Dad. All of the platitudes that he has left me with fall short when it comes to my grief and loss. I miss my Dad. All that is left now is my crying, my tears, my sorrow, my pain.

    Please don't call me for awhile because I can't talk, I can only cry.

    I will go and sit with my Dad and talk to him without expecting a response. I will tell him that I am in deep sorrow, that I love him and miss him while he refuses to eat or drink. I will give him permission to die. His spirit will live through me and all that he has come in contact with.

    I gotta stop now because I can't see the keys through my tears & snot. 

K

He Wants to Die in Peace

"Help Me! Please Help Me!" he keeps saying this. What help can I give him? His UTI is giving him pain. He says he can't tell us how bad it is. Of course he can't tell us. No one knows another person's pain. I have had bladder infections in the past that have burned like hell, but I'm sure I know nothing about his pain. He keeps asking for help and I just don't know what to do. He'll ask for help and then say, "Just let me die in peace."

Is this the time to discuss how he wants to die? I do intend to let him die in peace when the time comes. I'm not going to do anything to stop him from dying if he is really ready to go, but I don't think a UTI is worth dying for.

I brought my new computer with me today. It's got a bigger screen. I'm going to show him the trailer from "Lincoln", the movie. He'll like it for sure.

Two days ago, on my brother's birthday, he took off work to come with my dad on a visit to a urologist. Someone screwed up the orders and they went, instead to a GP's office. My brother and dad had to wait for an hour and a half for the transportation to return to pick them up and return them to this facility.  That was a total waste of time. Who do we get mad at? The nurse says she didn't know the orders were wrong. 

UTI -- Over a Month Now

It's a beautiful day outside. And it's Friday. But in here it's anyday and it's not beautiful. Dad's in bed suffering from the symptoms of a nasty urinary tract infection. He's 98 now, and I don't think people expect him to be around for much longer, so what should they do? Well, I say they should at least make sure he has access to water. How's that for lowered expectations? Just water, I'm thinking, would really be a help to have a hope of getting over this. Every time I come here, he's in bed with no water in reach. He doesn't ever ask for anything, so they just let him lie there. Now Iask myself who "they" are. CNA's are so busy here. They have a very difficult job. Most of them are cheerful and caring, but we can't expect them to understand that this man has a need for water when he doesn't ask for it. The nurses should be a little more tuned to the problem. They always seem so busy too. His water is not like someone else's meds. They worry about passing out medication. That's number one. And he never asks for anything!
His personality is a real puzzler. Always has been. No other person I know has such contradictory aspects to his character. Truly a puzzle. Also, he probably doesn't feel like he's thirsty.

More Sentimental Than Ever

Our dad has always been expressive, not a man who hides his sentimental feelings. He always did tell us he loved us when we were children, and he is still telling us. Lately though, it seems as if that's all he can say: "Have I told you lately how much I love you?" "I love you so much there are no words to express it." or "I'm the luckiest man in the world to have such a wonderful daughter." If we rub his head, shoulders or back then he is effusive. Since he has always been very appreciative of that kind of attention, I am reluctant to say that this is a change, but his expressions of joy just seem more rapt, more urgent. It's as if his ability to enjoy living has been distilled down to only enjoying a hand on his back or head.
Yesterday I was on my way to see him and decided to call my sister. I was so happy to find out that she was already there at his home. This meant a more fun visit for me and for him. I therefore was completely surprised and delighted when I received a call from my niece Ana who lives 9 hours from here, saying that she and her new husband were in our area for a job interview. She wanted to come down and introduce her hubby to her grandpa.
I prepared him for the visit so that it wouldn't disappoint her that her grandpa didn't appear to remember her, or know that she was married. I do think the visit went well. I am not absolutely sure he remembered her, but he told her he loved her many times and talked to her new husband enough to make them feel like it was worth the effort.